Investigative Report—Glory Holes in Baltimore

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Strip Club Review—Baltimore’s Last Chub Club

The Last Chub Club: A Review of Ladies Night at The Gentlemen’s Gold Club

By Ingrid Verde

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Some hot man-ass at Ladies Night
Photo by Ingrid Verde

“BALLS IN MAH FACE! BALLS IN MAH FACE!”

Directly in front of me, a hulking beast of a woman was rocking sweatpants with her FUPA (fat upper pussy area) safely tucked-in. She vigorously shook her limp, graying hair back and forth between the thighs of the Adonis on stage. Her cloudy bifocals became snagged in Rocky the Mutilator’s g-string. In the corner of the room, screams arose as another Abercrombie-model-esque god, with abs you could lose a finger in, threw a middle-aged woman onto his shoulders so that she straddled him. A group of similarly dressed older women made it rain dollar bills or shoved them into Woody’s ass crack.  No, I was not at a cannibalistic feeding frenzy—it was Ladies Night at The Gold Club.

Now, I’ve been to my fair share of titty bars, but the Gold Club is unique in that it features an occasional Lady’s Night wherein female strippers perform in one section of the club and male strippers perform in an adjacent section, separated by a soundproof wall. Of course, I went to both.

Walking into the lady’s side, I was immediately accosted by male dancers who weaved through the screaming crowd of uncouth, clawing women while wearing masks and camouflage pants, and carrying plastic guns—complete with orange caps. “THESE TALIBAN ARE SEARCHING FOR HOSTAGES LAAADIIEEESS!” the announcer shouted into the microphone from his booth above the stage. I realized that I was most definitely not drunk enough to match these older ladies’ levels of enthusiasm. Meandering through the crowd of sweating, energetic women I finally made it to the bar, which was a three-people-deep sea of waving money fitted with a single bartender trying to appease the mass of thirsty women. I grabbed my compadre, Jane, and told her we would get our drinks on the other side.

After shoving our way to the door, we gasped for the slightly less-stale air of the hallway that led toward the door to the naked women. Upon entering, the difference in atmosphere smacked me in the face. The men all sat around the oblong stage in silence sipping their drinks as fully-nude strippers danced and crawled around the pole. The bartender immediately got me my signature drink and brought Jane and me shots of Fireball. “From the guy across the bar,” he told us. A balding middle-aged man raised his glass to us and flashed a crooked smile. “They make Hawaiian style polo shirts?” Jane whispered.

Photo by Andre Novak

We decided to get our drink on at this more accommodating bar before re-entering the freak-out-fest on the other side. On stage, one dancer began to twerk on all fours in front of two men who must have come from the county and threw crumpled up 20s into her snatch. On the other side, the largest stripper I’ve ever seen spread her legs into the air and did what I can only describe as a sexy-upside-down-worm while the patrons stared mouths agape into the void. I looked to Jane, “Just think, they make more than us on any given night. I’m pretty sure my college degree is completely worthless.”

It was time to head back to the other side where cowboys, firefighters, gladiators, and cops with handcuffs all in semi-states of undress gyrated everywhere. A frantic grandmotherly woman shoved me to the side and yelled above the pounding music, “You’re too tall! I can’t see my favorite dancer!”

The drinks hit me at once, and it was time to break the seal. The restroom line stretched out the door. I took my place just outside the door and warded off strippers who obviously had little regard for the state of my bladder.  After five minutes, I could see the stalls and knew that soon my bladder would be relieved. A group of women preening in the mirrors discussed their favorite dancers. “The Terminator is so sexy! I want him to sit on my face all night long!” The door to the restroom stall swung open, and I dashed towards it. A large older woman with a belly shirt emerged and grabbed my arm. “Lawd a’ mercy, you are so pretty! Did you see my son out there? The black one, dressed as Tarzan? Can I get your number for him?” Uhhh, no thanks. But only because I don’t want to tell our future children I met their father swinging from a bar in his underwear while I popped bandz-ta-make-him-dance.

The Gold Club Review

Cleanliness: Irrelevant. It’s a strip club.

Staff: Sexy and very friendly—especially if you throw dolla bills at them.

Price: Cheap entrance fee and average priced drinks. Again, the more 1s you have the friendlier the staff.

Chance of finding your one true love: Check the restrooms for mothers pimping their sons.

Overall experience: A must do.

BURLESQUE-A-PADES ‘VALENTINES DAY FOLLIES’ w/ The Pontani Sisters

'Come celebrate the big day with the World Famous Pontani Sisters, top-shelf burlesque and variety from New York! Featuring an original Baltimore Block performer, Margo Christie!'

EVENT DETAILS

When: February 16, 8 p.m.

Venue: The Metro Gallery

Address: 1700 N. Charles St.

Phone: (410) 244-0899

Web Site: http://themetrogallery.net

Price: $15

Indecent Exposures—24 Hrs.

Photos of Baltimore by Andre Novak

Indecent Exposures—Pulaski Video

Photos of Baltimore by Andre Novak

Book Review—The Little Book of Big Penis

For the Love of Chubs: A Review of The Little Book of Big Penis
By Kit Ames

It's hard to find a good schlong outside of straight-up porn these days. Hollywood and HBO are quick to pop a pair of tits on-screen but very rarely do we see a real-deal peen—and when we do, it feels like a rarity and a big deal. I remember being very impressed that The Wire showed a dong on-screen some 4-5 times throughout its five-season run (though boobs appeared probably three times as much as that on the show), because I'd never seen one in a TV series before. Similarly, johnsons are much less frequently the subjects of erotic art than female forms. Consider the vast empire of strip clubs featuring exclusively female dancers in Baltimore, on The Block or out on Pulaski highway. I don't even know of any strip clubs anywhere near this city where you can see a pocket rocket. A good schlong—for viewing purposes—is hard to find.

Dian Hanson is changing all of that with her series of books that showcase erotic photography across decades. After publishing The Big Penis Book, Taschen put out a new, more compact version in 2012 called The Little Book of Big Penis. About 30% of its material is different from The Big Penis Book, and it offers all the benefit of its small, ready-to-travel size. 

Chris Donovan in work attire

Hanson opens the collection with a brief, but fascinating, history of the evolution of erotic photography with male subjects. She explains how the US government's (namely, the Postal Service's) vilification of homosexuality made the publication and distribution of erotic photography nearly impossible, meaning that it wasn't until 1970 when the first full-erection could be found in adult bookstores. While I was a little miffed by the lack of critical analysis in this section of the book (it suggests that gay men would be the only audience for dick pics, and doesn't mention the acceptance of women in erotic art may also stem from the fact that men are more willing to objectify women), it overall was an interesting, quick read. Also, it was followed by lots of penises.

Dude, these dicks are huge. Some of the pictures made me squirm just imagining them inside of people. But whether they make you squirmy or aroused, each and every one is definitely worth a gander. They range from the delightfully campy to the painfully posed and smoldering, to the undeniably sexy. One of the first photographs, opposite from the cover page, is a 1970's wang on top of a slice of bread next to a jar of French's mustard and a fork and knife. If the book were only variations of that picture in different tints, I'd be sold. Other highlights include a charming shoot of Bob Moore as a naked, half-way aroused cowboy framing his “Lil' Bobby” with a lasso. Additionally, there is a very sexy shot of Chris Donovan, his preppy tie and shirt undone, no pants, and his unit coyly peeking out from under his cocktail. There is also a great collection of military-themed schlong shots. And then there are the jaw-droppingly long wang-doodles of Moby Dick and Long Dong Silver, which are always sure to please a crowd.

My only complaint about this collection would be that some of the wieners look particularly oiled and something about this slickness in a photograph weirds me out. Regardless of your preference for or aversion to slick-dicks, this collection of photos is definitely worth checking out. You can find it at Atomic Books in Hampden, or underneath my bed.

Indecent Exposures—Gold Club

Photo by Andre Novak

Upcumming Events—BLACK COLLAR SOCIETY: FETISH NIGHT WITH DJS AND DRINK SPECIALS

Location: Ottobar, upstairs
Date and Time: Friday, February 7—Doors open@8PM, Show starts@9PM
Cover: $5
Ages: 18+

Indecent Exposures—Word on the Street

Photo by Andre Novak

Indecent Exposures—The Block

Photo by Andre Novak

Upcumming Events—Gilded Lily Burlesque Presents: 5th Annual Tassels & Champagne

'Two Shows: 7:30pm & 10:00pm

The Creative Alliance

3134 Eastern Ave.

Baltimore, MD, 21224

Voted Baltimore's Best Burlesque by the Baltimore City Paper, Gilded Lily Burlesque presents their 5th annual Tassels & Champagne Valentine's Day show!...

The polished and powdered premiere Gilded Lily Burlesqueladies--Maria Bella mia, Sophia Sunday, GiGi Holliday and salacious stage kitten, Lauren Marleaux transport you back to the swinging Prohibition era with burlesque and vaudeville performed to the live music of Baltimore's own, Sac Au Lait!! '

Upcumming Events—Lexi Belle, Live in Baltimore!

Porn star-comedienne Lexi Belle will be performing live in Baltimore, MD @ Fantasies Nightclub. 

Location: Fantasies Nightclub
Dates: February 13-16, 2014
Times: TBA

Upcumming Events—Love Shack, A Valentine's Drag Show

'Fabulous drag is back at Golden West with Love Shack!

Hosted by the ultimate drag queen, Stormy Vain, Love Shack will feature live performances from your favorite divas, music by DJ Sugar, lots of prize giveaways, and drink specials all night long.Celebrate Valentine's weekend at this unique event and feel the love.'

Location: Golden West Cafe
Date and Time: Saturday, February 15 @10:30PM
Cover: $5
Ages: 21+

Upcumming Events—John Waters Book Release Party at Atomic Books!

Cum party with the Pope of Trash himself at Atomic Books! He'll be signing copies of his latest book, CARSICK.

Location: Atomic Books
Date and Time: Thursday, June 12 @7PM

Indecent Exposures—The Apex

Photo by Andre Novak

Upcumming Events—Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School

Cherie Sweetbottom at Dr. Sketchy's Baltimore—July, 2013

'Dr. Sketchy's Baltimore is a local burlesque/cabaret-themed life drawing session where artists of all levels come to draw fabulous models and compete in drawing contests for prizes, all in an atmosphere of boozy, creative conviviality.'

Location: The Windup Space
Date and Time: Monday, February 10—7PM-10PM
Cover: $10